black and blue

I think I am incapable of hatred. I inspect the waters that drowned me and write down the atoms of which it exists. You beat me black and blue and I tell you why you chose to swing your arm the way you did.

You admire the portrait I drew, but I am merely the painter, I cannot hate that which I created. You say I have talent, I think you are right, but where falls the line between wrong and right when I paint the lines and I always paint ‘right’?

I am a beggar begging for the sake of begging, for I know this body needs fuel even when my limbs are frozen, lifeless. Walking feels like nothing at all when repeatedly repeated as one does when on the run. Every shadow is an enemy, including my own. I have no home, I belong to the world around me like air to the sky.

I am everywhere and nowhere and somewhere in-between. You ask me why the stars shine, but I am not the cause, I am simply an observer in a galaxy that isn’t mine, so how do I explain that which does not belong to me? I explain as the explanation and not the thing itself, so how do I stay true to that which isn’t authentically a part of me?

I try to be good, as you tell me I am, but how do you know? Are we playing pretend, embodying roles in a play with no end? If so, could you tell me and warn the wind, for she blew past so angry but she’s meant to stay still.

This controlled way of living makes breathing feel confined, having to stay between lines I created at the time. But the time has passed, dying with no cost, and it bends and rewinds, it dissipates the frost on the window of your soul, lets you live as you like, under its control.

So in this endless play I directed unintentionally, I think I can see, the one beating and painting, the beggar, the wanderer, and even the time passing mercilessly, they were all in their own way, a version of me.

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I fear this will only make sense to me, but I will share it anyway, for you’ve proven me wrong before :). Thank you for listening to my ramblings and making me feel a little less alone by understanding my words as you have done so often in the past. I am so grateful for your support and I thank you for taking the time out of your busy lives to read these chaotic fragments of my mind. I hope you have a wonderful day!

With love, Ella