encountering atoms

I see the world in atoms

but the atoms fade away

when you lock my mouth with keys you craft,

how can I have a say?

---

we lived in worlds of our own creation

you painted the sky while I laid our foundation

on broken ground

I don’t think you ever saw the cracks

you were always around

but never noticed what we lacked

---

If I could summon light

I wouldn’t be so frightened

of the dance of your darkness

I think I’d worship the dark less

---

Carelessly, I forgot

to measure the strings of the loose

ends with which you loved to tie knots

And now I can’t make sense of what I forgot

---

You fled the crime scene, but left evidence behind

in the atoms only I ever seem to find

I keep encountering atoms,

they remember your laugh,

they remember the feeling of never being enough

---

like a pathway in my brain,

they strengthen connections,

like bad habits, a paved road

the illusion of imperfections

---

my skin was ice,

you skated,

I can feel it in my bones

---

an atomic remedy,

I was never alone,

for rocks aren’t stones

---

how dare the air suffocate me in its weight

and yet leave me falling with nothing to hold onto?

---

how dare the atoms know the air makes me afraid

how dare I let these atoms suffocate

me, when it’s my hand around my throat

---

the atoms are angry,

or so it seems

and I’m certain you know,

at least you do in my dreams

---

for we don’t talk anymore

yet I hear you in my echo, in my screams

you fill silences and control thoughts

a gun you never fired shot me, and

I

fell

down

---

counted the atoms around

me, the world was

spinning

the atoms were

winning-

---

no more

let’s stop this game

and erase the score

let the atoms encounter

a closed door

---

It’s been a while since I posted! I meant to post something else, but the editing is taking far longer than I expected and I’m never quite satisfied with the result, so here’s a poem I wrote a little while ago instead!

I’m always very curious to hear other people’s interpretations of poetry, because there’s so much space left to the imagination and the meaning can differ enormously for different people, which I love. That being said, please feel free to share your interpretation and I’ll do the same!

What I kept in mind while writing it was a difficult situation with a friend of mine. We used to be very close but then gradually drifted apart, clinging to the pretence of knowing each other completely while also holding onto the knowledge that we were both continually changing. And so I felt like I was obliged to live through a version of myself I didn’t dare to admit I had outgrown.

I won’t go into too much detail, this isn’t a therapy session or diary entry, but we were both struggling mentally and for me that meant I needed space to think and reflect, while her way of coping was to hold onto me very tightly out of fear of losing me.

Especially during the months before we spent some time apart, I’d often feel ‘wrong’, I’d feel this overwhelming sense of something being ‘off’ but I could never quite put a name on it.

Recently we’ve been talking again, after months of no contact at all and I had to admit to myself that I do find it difficult. I keep ‘encountering atoms’, it’s as if I’m analysing the air I breathe when she’s near to see if she’s influenced me into breathing differently.

Not to say things aren’t better now, for I feel a lot more at ease with her, and most of the tension has faded. I guess I’m just more aware of what I’m feeling now, and no matter how quick I am to forgive, forgetting is something I haven’t yet been able to do.

I’m still not sure whether I can truly describe what the problem was, I tend to see the good in people despite their faults, but I have learnt a lot since then, and I’m learning still.

If you take anything from this, I hope it’s that you don’t have to justify your feelings to anyone. You don’t have to explain them all immediately either. Simply acknowledging that something feels ‘off’, instead of brushing it off, is already more than enough.

Thank you for reading, I love you all to the moon and back!

With love,

Ella

---

Ps: if you liked this one, you might like this other poem I wrote about the same situation…

https://open.substack.com/pub/ellasmagicalworld/p/when-everything-was-nothing-a-poem?r=6zc5uk&utm_medium=ios