running before knowing

you say I run before I know, I say I run to know the way

I’m fading, fumbling, stumbling,

through a body that won’t work,

my eyes deceive me, lights receding,

and I can’t pinpoint the source, but I am

---

falling, faster, further

The diploma slips away

My head is aching, saving spoken words

already in decay

---

The stage looks stable, strong, sustained

I wish that I could say the same of

this dark substance in my veins and of

the blood that it replaced and it’s

---

The same red, racing colour as

The colour of my tie, tying these

documents of future lives to

someone with my eyes, I lied

---

It’s sickness like a haunted ghost

That steals this moment but foremost

The meaning of the moment

As I lose it for a moment, and

---

I’m running before knowing

Quickly dropping the diploma

On a wooden chair and going

Where my body knows the way

---

The grass is green and always growing

Cut down often, but still growing

As am I, I feel the signs, so I am

running before knowing

---

The ghost knows I’m scared of knowing

I won’t know where I’ll be going when

the red tie’s finally folded, forever stuck

in a box of moments, memories and

---

mountains of mourning for

---

Experiences missed, misplaced and

Tears that washed the rain away and

Rest I’m trying to embrace and

The loneliness of empty days

---

I’m trembling, torn and tired but

I made it through the day, so I might

Run before I know, but hey-

I ran, I didn’t stay

---

You say I run before I know,

I say I run to know the way

---

Hi sweet souls, I hope you’re all doing well! I wrote this poem after running away (very sneakily, apparently no one saw me leave) during my graduation ceremony because I felt sick and realising there is nothing wrong with that and I’m actually proud of myself for it. Yes, I missed most of the speeches, but I listened to my body and I graduated, how cool is that? It’s okay to feel different, it’s okay to run when you can’t yet explain why, it’s okay to run before you know.

With love,

Ella